conversations about life defining moments in your red car
conversations that are life defining moments in your red car
the way my heart flutters every morning. how thrilling the mornings are. how much it excites me to be awake.
My brother wearing a giant scarf on his head. His 'incognito' look. Maybe that would achieve its intended purpose if it was not the loudest scarf I have ever seen - red and polkadotted.
Bryan kisses. I will miss these so much. neck nuzzles, feeling his prickly chin against my skin. whispering in eachother's ears. holding his face in my hands and kissing him twenty times on the lips.
Sunday, 18 August 2013
letter to my ex: part two
I remember that look in your eye
whenever I was upset with you.
You knew
all you had to do
was slide your hand up my skirt
and I would capitulate
letter to my ex
Remember that time
you told me that
I broke you
from wanting you so much?
Me wanting you was the only thing we were good at.
It broke me too.
on honesty and intimacy
sometimes i worry that i intimidate people with my honesty.
But I just want to be... accessible. I think that is what honesty achieves. it removes barriers between people. it removes pretense, it removes performance. it establishes a vulnerable and free space.
but sometimes I worry that by being honest I have the opposite effect. That I distance people with my intensity, or something. It is a fear of mine.
I just... want to always seek new levels of intimacy. new ways to engage. new ways to explore. deeper ways to learn people.
to be so real, to be so honest, to be so raw.
I want to live my friendships to a certain line. I want to keep pushing that line.
I think being honest, I hope that creates an environment for people to feel very free in, to share of themselves. I don't know how else to facilitate the conversations i desire. the connections i crave.
Because that is what I want, to explore people, to learn them.
details are delicious. stories, simplicities and silliness is seductive.
i want to be free and ... strong... with my parts. with my details. i want to give people that trust. that special trust. i want to give intimacy, with mirth. mirthful intimacy. bold intimacy.
it is so joyful, it is so thrilling. to be so vulnerable with people.
i think such strength is gained from that vulnerability.
from giving so wildly. so freely.
and hopefully it will encourage reciprocation.
that is what i seek from my relationships, that is what i seek from myself, and that is what i seek from my life.
wild intimacy
But I just want to be... accessible. I think that is what honesty achieves. it removes barriers between people. it removes pretense, it removes performance. it establishes a vulnerable and free space.
but sometimes I worry that by being honest I have the opposite effect. That I distance people with my intensity, or something. It is a fear of mine.
I just... want to always seek new levels of intimacy. new ways to engage. new ways to explore. deeper ways to learn people.
to be so real, to be so honest, to be so raw.
I want to live my friendships to a certain line. I want to keep pushing that line.
I think being honest, I hope that creates an environment for people to feel very free in, to share of themselves. I don't know how else to facilitate the conversations i desire. the connections i crave.
Because that is what I want, to explore people, to learn them.
details are delicious. stories, simplicities and silliness is seductive.
i want to be free and ... strong... with my parts. with my details. i want to give people that trust. that special trust. i want to give intimacy, with mirth. mirthful intimacy. bold intimacy.
it is so joyful, it is so thrilling. to be so vulnerable with people.
i think such strength is gained from that vulnerability.
from giving so wildly. so freely.
and hopefully it will encourage reciprocation.
that is what i seek from my relationships, that is what i seek from myself, and that is what i seek from my life.
wild intimacy
an external force
Lately I have been feeling deprived. And it worries me, because what does that mean for my pursuit of wholeness? For my pursuit of being for myself all that I need?
If I feel deprived... that means there is something I am not giving to myself.
But I have realised that what i feel deprived of - desire - I can't give that to myself. I can cultivate, and nourish and... just seek myself, belong to myself, be as fucking whole and and fucking full and developed as I can be...
and i do. i feel a great sense of self worth. I don't need anyone else to need me to testify to that.
But I can't give myself desire. it is an external force. this feeling of deprivation... it is not coming from me.
desire is an external force.
So I have identified what I need. and I think I am learning to be OK about identifying what I need, if that means someone else needs to facilitate the fulfillment of that need.
my friend Bea says to me 'a man is not an island, fee fee'
i encourage people to need me. why can't i give them that in return? why does it feel like the scariest thing in the world to need something outside of myself?
It has been a long time since i have felt desire.
I feel... so acutely, 'friendship-desire'. which is.... more divine. the most sublime. i am rich for it. It surrounds me. it ensconces me. The people in my life and what they give me, the way we create together, how we seek eachother... I am so rich for it.
But physical desire is different. and I think the last person who really did... want me, was Belinda. and i was so addicted to that, to her desire. and it was the most destructive thing.
So I don't really know where to go from here. I dont know how to facilitate this need. And I don't know how to do that and protect myself from my weaknesses at the same time.
If I feel deprived... that means there is something I am not giving to myself.
But I have realised that what i feel deprived of - desire - I can't give that to myself. I can cultivate, and nourish and... just seek myself, belong to myself, be as fucking whole and and fucking full and developed as I can be...
and i do. i feel a great sense of self worth. I don't need anyone else to need me to testify to that.
But I can't give myself desire. it is an external force. this feeling of deprivation... it is not coming from me.
desire is an external force.
So I have identified what I need. and I think I am learning to be OK about identifying what I need, if that means someone else needs to facilitate the fulfillment of that need.
my friend Bea says to me 'a man is not an island, fee fee'
i encourage people to need me. why can't i give them that in return? why does it feel like the scariest thing in the world to need something outside of myself?
It has been a long time since i have felt desire.
I feel... so acutely, 'friendship-desire'. which is.... more divine. the most sublime. i am rich for it. It surrounds me. it ensconces me. The people in my life and what they give me, the way we create together, how we seek eachother... I am so rich for it.
But physical desire is different. and I think the last person who really did... want me, was Belinda. and i was so addicted to that, to her desire. and it was the most destructive thing.
So I don't really know where to go from here. I dont know how to facilitate this need. And I don't know how to do that and protect myself from my weaknesses at the same time.
Saturday at the Hugo's
Yesterday morning Mum danced around the kitchen.
My chest hurt for laughing so hard.
My chest is where I feel all the heaviness,
and it just dissipated with laughter.
Mum will do something ridiculous... and John and I will just look at eachother and laugh.
hearty laugh. belly laugh. a laugh that fills my lungs, that reverberates in my chest. a laugh that rings in my ears and folds my body over.
we are big laughers in our family. My dad has the most glorious giggle. His whole face scrunches up and he stamps his feet. its almost like a series of hiccups. 'a hi hi hi'. it completely takes over his whole body. it is such a joy to witness.
John... has a booming laugh. its comes in staccatoed bursts, in groups of increasing numerical order.
HA. a HA HA. a HA HA HA.
i imagine it rolling around in his belly like thunder.
So John and I laughed at mum. and it filled my chest so that there was no room for heaviness.
Mum is so free. so insouciant. so ridiculous. it is the most positive thing to be around.
I gave mum and dad a poem that I am thinking of submitting to a magazine. Usually mum is funny about reading and critiquing things. I would avoid it, because she would focus on one little detail, and not the whole thing.
and that is not what i wanted from showing my parents something important to me. i just want to share.
but this time, she gave it back to me and said
'it is perfect. i cant believe someone so intelligent came out of my womb. it is perfect. dont change a thing'
My heart swelled. it was everything i wanted. It was all the support I needed. It was so beautiful. so generous.
I was brushing my teeth and I had a mouth full of toothpaste.
it dripped down my chin.
I had woken John up to come with me on a field trip to Theo's. I needed my partner in crime. and of course, as always, he was there for me, there with me, to facilitate my desires. even in its recklessness.
like the time he drove 10 hours with me, to and from Albany, while I went to see Kasey and Shane, and he just hung out at the backpackers.
His generosity and selflessness .... It is unparalleled. He is my hero. I wish i could be more like him.
We went to buy a banjo. I had decided that i needed it. That i would surely die if I did not buy one imminently. So I did. I told Mum, and she was all for it. and John came along with me, bouncing alongside next to me.
We are all seeking special things for me.
It is everything that I need.
Almost everything I need.
It is everything I need to be ok about the fact that I can't have what I need.
My chest hurt for laughing so hard.
My chest is where I feel all the heaviness,
and it just dissipated with laughter.
Mum will do something ridiculous... and John and I will just look at eachother and laugh.
hearty laugh. belly laugh. a laugh that fills my lungs, that reverberates in my chest. a laugh that rings in my ears and folds my body over.
we are big laughers in our family. My dad has the most glorious giggle. His whole face scrunches up and he stamps his feet. its almost like a series of hiccups. 'a hi hi hi'. it completely takes over his whole body. it is such a joy to witness.
John... has a booming laugh. its comes in staccatoed bursts, in groups of increasing numerical order.
HA. a HA HA. a HA HA HA.
i imagine it rolling around in his belly like thunder.
So John and I laughed at mum. and it filled my chest so that there was no room for heaviness.
Mum is so free. so insouciant. so ridiculous. it is the most positive thing to be around.
I gave mum and dad a poem that I am thinking of submitting to a magazine. Usually mum is funny about reading and critiquing things. I would avoid it, because she would focus on one little detail, and not the whole thing.
and that is not what i wanted from showing my parents something important to me. i just want to share.
but this time, she gave it back to me and said
'it is perfect. i cant believe someone so intelligent came out of my womb. it is perfect. dont change a thing'
My heart swelled. it was everything i wanted. It was all the support I needed. It was so beautiful. so generous.
I was brushing my teeth and I had a mouth full of toothpaste.
it dripped down my chin.
I had woken John up to come with me on a field trip to Theo's. I needed my partner in crime. and of course, as always, he was there for me, there with me, to facilitate my desires. even in its recklessness.
like the time he drove 10 hours with me, to and from Albany, while I went to see Kasey and Shane, and he just hung out at the backpackers.
His generosity and selflessness .... It is unparalleled. He is my hero. I wish i could be more like him.
We went to buy a banjo. I had decided that i needed it. That i would surely die if I did not buy one imminently. So I did. I told Mum, and she was all for it. and John came along with me, bouncing alongside next to me.
We are all seeking special things for me.
It is everything that I need.
Almost everything I need.
It is everything I need to be ok about the fact that I can't have what I need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)