Synaesthesia of the Sky

Every morning as I drive to work, the sky puts on a different show for me. Often I feel really compelled of a moment to record the words that present themselves to my brain. It is quite a persistent demand, and I know I cant rest until I articulate it. it is tricky when I am driving, but I grab anything I can find to write on. I have endless receipts, and scraps of paper that I had found, and scribbled on the back of, in glorious desperation to make some tangible vestige, of a 'buzzing mind drifting to peace' moment. Once I couldnt find any paper so I wrote a poem on my leg.

I think the sky puts on such a calm and quiet show, most people dont notice it. But how could it be quiet? How could such an audacious display be calm? Maybe it rages with delight, but we just cant hear it with our ears. Maybe we are using the wrong body part for the wrong function. I wish I could hear with my eyes.

I wonder about ... the sound of sights.

I heard something about synaesthesia. How famous composers who saw different chords as certain colours. One composer thought, when he was young, that they dimmed the lights in orchestra theatres so that the audience could see the colour show in front of their eyes more clearly when the music was playing. he didnt realise it was only him who could see it.

When I spend time in the south with my grandparents, I run along the river every night at 5 pm as the sun started to set. The Eaton River is one of my favourite places. It is a rich and golden wealth of so many positive and beautiful memories. but even without that, it is pure and base aesthetic pleasure. The whole riverside comes alive at 5 pm, and in a different way every evening. Each day there is a different kind of sunset, a different kind of sky laced with different kind of light, and different colours, shades, dimensions. I felt like one evening the trees had a whole new shape and dimension to them, because of the way the sun was flickering through the sporadic gaps of sky. bark-sky-bark-sky-river-sky-light-light-light. 

Another evening, a few years ago, I remember feeling, with the full force of my mind and body, that the riverside was on fire around me. there is a row of rich red trees with bleeding glistening sap, that have that burnt black bark, that blisters and crumbles, and the rich red flecks through the charcoal black. the sun had reached a certain point of its trajectory and it flickered through the trees so fast, like the turning of an old movie reel, and, for me, the riverside was in flames.

One evening, as I was running in one direction the sky was gold, yellow gold like straw. Liquid buttery gold. And it reflected onto the river so the river was golden too. And then I turned around to run in the other direction and the sky on this side was pink. What a show, I thought. It was like the sky had two different sunsets for just one riverside. It was so audacious. Maybe it was quietly raging with delight but I just couldn't hear it.

As the sunset dissipated, the sky turned grey blue. Darkness was creeping in around me, and there was that element... there was that purple, to the air around me, that was the gathering dark. Is darkness just the absence of light? how can it be when I can see a physical purple all around me? I can almost touch it.

Earlier that evening, the sky had been reflected so perfectly onto the river, and I could see clouds in the water. I almost couldnt tell the difference between water and sky. was the river in the sky or the sky in the river? was I just standing on my head? I couldnt figure it out. It was beautiful confusion that I felt in my whole body. It was like the elements were sharing with eachother, air and water. up and down. It was like it was all around me. and it was.

I wrote this based on conversations with my friends Gemma and Maevana

a conversation with Cat

a conversation with Cat
about a relationship with art
addictive
meretricious
sometimes destructive
sometimes ecstatic

I'm transfixed by the way her long fingers move
in nimble rhythm with her words
eyes alight with inspiration
her curly hair falls in front of her eyes

Cat says: 'everything begins
with light and lines'

Zoe's house

Zoe has a cupboard
full of little things she collects
she says she knows they are odd
but she cannot let go of them

i wonder about her eyes
i wonder about the way she sees the world
i wonder about her colours, her thoughts
the way she defines beauty
i dont know the words to ask
so i just smile and wonder

she has two cats
two guitars
a banjo
drums
and a piano

there are colourful crochet blankets around the house
and a yellow and blue bathroom.

Zoe is so natural. She is very beautiful.
It is the kind of beautiful I am drawn to
with the full force of my heart.

Zoe has freckly skin
Zoe has beautiful arms
Zoe is slender and soft and graceful.

we drink tea, eat avocados
and she listens to me blabber on about life philosophies
because i want to engage with her
and that is the only way i know how.

she says
when there is open space
the opportunities are amazing.

a morning

it was your birthday
so i stole the sky for you

a pack of gallahs soared above me
a heavy mess of pink and grey
a thunderous mess of beating wings

i turned my head.

(for gemma)

Joshie #2

I rest my chin upon my folded arms
wordlessly
I feast upon your eyes
what is it
that makes your eyes dance like that?
a little bit wild
a little bit fantastic
my eyes lick yours eagerly
unfolding you and beckoning
your honest and shy beauty
I want it to come and and play

I can feel my own eyes
resplendant
for the excitement I draw from you

how long did we sit there
eyes locked in mirthful curiosity?

until my jaw and cheeks ached
from the special smile that is only yours

everyone went to sleep but i could not sleep for wanting so i wrote a poem

intense wanting
constricts my body

I think of you here in this room with me

constricts my body

I think of you sitting, still, quiet, watching

I drink some wine. I have just brushed me teeth
so it tastes like delicious poison

I want you, intensely

I think of you coming over here
kneeling next to my tangled legs
taking away my book and wine

and without a word

untangling my legs
and holding my head in your hands
or maybe kissing me
or maybe just looking at me with

intensity

body constricts

heavy breathing
seek me with your eyes
fuck me with your eyes

one long sip of poison

and then
putting one hand on each knee
press your hips against mine

my body constricts with
the intensity that
i want you
to want me
intensely

Joshie

a bottle of red wine down
and we sit in the dimly lit room
with only a scarf between our bare skin
there is an unruly and overgrown cityscape on the curve of your arm

I always knew you had a wild heart.

moment

there was a moment,
you gave me warm tipsy words
and i held your face in my hands,
i could feel the hair around your ears against my fingers
and i looked you hard in the eye
and wondered what I close myself off from.

seek

you should not be afraid of my curiosity
you should let me seek you

the ocean on my right

I went for a run tonight. I missed the sunset, but there was something so beautiful about the evening. Beautiful evenings just have to be given to someone, don't they....
I looked out to the ocean on my right, into the dark wide expanse of deepest blue, and I thought, I felt, for a glorious suspended 30 seconds, that the ocean would swallow me whole.

(For Gemma)

Sophie's dancing

There's this thing that you do....

You dance with your eyes closed

Not clenched shut in defiance.

Just a .... gentle shutting of the curtains. 

It's a beautiful expression of... Feeling free. I feel like you are in your own world, but still here with us. You don't shut anyone out by closing your eyes. You simply.... Bring something very special, very free into your body. I think maybe your eyes are shut to protect that thing. 

And you dance. Sometimes it's just a little shuffle. You bop your head around 

Sometimes it's an all out jive. 

You get this beat in your whole body. You do this great thing with your hands. 

I love watching people watch you. 

This quizzical expression on their face. I can imagine their thought process: surprise and thrall in equal parts. 

Because its not that usual. To see someone dance freely. 

But it's beautiful. And they understand that. I recognise certainty on people's faces. People know when they are in the presence of something strong. unique. untouchable. 

I wonder if you know the impact you have on people, when you are peacefully, comfortably, insouciantly yourself. 

attenuating future fears

I have had a very definitive and glorious turn around in my thoughts about a certain area of my life. and I have just felt so mired, so dismantled by my fears in this area. So a new perspective is a wonderful, welcome thing.

What scares me is the future. Not generally - mostly I feel very excited about it. I have a beautiful foundation level of confidence in my life. in my soul, in what i seek, what i cultivate. Except for the very specific area of my studies and my future career. Maybe the fact that I usually feel so bold and sure and confident, even in my erratic-ness - maybe thats what makes this fear seem so powerful. Because I am not used to that kind of... lack of self belief.

I remember the moment that I realised that a lack of self belief was bound up in this fear. It's not me, it has no place in my heart. But it has crept in and I dont know how to combat it.

I find the legal field - to get a job - it just seems so unachievable to me. so elusive. so complicated. there is nothing about it that feels simple, or achievable or even understandable.
I like studying law. I am pretty good at it. I enjoy it most of the time, to a reasonable extent. But this next step... it just feels so far away. I dont know how to get there, or to get to a place where getting there seems more achievable, or even the steps involved in getting there....
I feel like I dont even know the little steps involved that would get me there. that would make me less fearful, less intimidated.

But then I am so afraid of anything that represents getting a job, so afraid of being confronted with this reality, that I am too scared to even start looking. To figure out what those steps are, which would probably attenuate my fears.

Fear is so powerful. I dont often feel that afraid. I dont know how to respond to large scale intimidation.
little things that intimidate me... I thrive on that. I love a challenge. it excites me.
But anything beyond that ambit - anything TOO uncertain or TOO intimidating or TOO important ...

it completely dismantles me.

and my mind, it puts up walls. I cant deal with this intimidation so I just shut it out. 
So I have been clinging to the fact that I will finish at the end of next year, a semester after most of my friends. because i feel like i need time. to find out how to not be so afraid. i need to put off facing that fear for as long as i can. facing the fear of finishing a 5-6 year degree without a job. and how demoralising that would be.

But yesterday I realised that I had done more units than I thought, and that I would probably finish midway through the year next year.
and for the first time that did not paralyse me with fear.


I am starting to think about other options. i am starting to wonder about how comitted i really feel to studying and praciticing law. I feel.... like sometimes ive put in a mediocre effort to studying. ive felt ambivalent too often. I have great moments of dedication, passion even,

but now i just feel so sick of it, but i dont feel i even deserve to be sick of it. I know what its like to have a usurping desire, a usurping comitment for something. and ideally, naively, i dont want anything less for my life. but thats not law for me. not right now anyway. i dont know how to reconcile myself to that.

i know that i started law thinking that i would do this for the sensible version of myself. i would do this because i beleived it was my potential. and then if i wasnt happy with it, i could pursue something more reckless and creative.

so maybe i will do that. Maybe I could save up and live somewhere new for a year, and do some study in something that really thrills me like language. or like creative writing.

maybe i will even audition for waapa. which is what i really wanted to do in high school. act.

The most important thing is that I have realised that if I dont get a job in law it is not the be all and end all... its probably not even what i want to do, or will be happy doing - so why let it make me so afraid!? maybe if I feel less intimidated, maybe that will open doors.

sunset

I am sitting at the beach and the evening is gathering around me. The tide is very high tonight. The waves are like heavy hammers against the shore, the sand is sinking under its weight. 

There was this great mass of clouds, like a heaving purple beast. A dark deep purple, almost grey. Splayed across the horizon. And the sun dripped beneath it, like a golden amber liquid. It was like this purple beast was wounded and bleeding across the sky. When all the light had finally gone, the purple clouds dissipated and dispersed. Like the golden liquid was all that was holding the beast together. I felt like I was attending some sort of majestic funeral of the sky. 

And then the clouds regrouped, but darker this time. An angry deep gathering grey of cumulus. 

I love the dimensions of clouds. I feel like I'm looking deep into the horizon.

(For Dylan)

the dichotomy between desires and needs

something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is how very important it is for me to be... whole.
or to constantly seek being whole.

For my life, for my soul... I dont want to ever need anything from anyone.
I want to be for myself, all that I need.

i want to belong deeply to myself.

to be so complete, so full, so developed in myself

that it radiates from me... this beautiful, free, powerful self sufficiency.

maybe a small part of is fear... i think there is definately an element of that in there.
I am scared of people seeing me as weak. not necessarily ... weak... but... needing something outside myself. as less than whole.

I think also, the last time i realised I needed something from someone, i needed to be needed by my ex girlfriend, i needed to feel desired by her... it put me in a very negative and powerless position.
I know how weak i can be. and how dangerous that is.

But i think that fear is only one small colour... I know, that this wanting of wholenss, is a positive thing at its core.

I was thinking about all of this especially when I felt very confronted by the capacity that I have for this overwhelming usurping desire to know people, to share with them, to explore them, to create with them....one person in particular, at that moment. but its a ubiqutious thing.
and i suddenly felt so scared that I was treading this fine line between a 'desire' and a 'need'....

when does a desire become a need?

What if I need this? What does that mean? Is it such a bad thing? Should I identify it as another thing I need to draw from myself, drag out into the open, attend it, unwravel it and work through it until its a positive thing? Until I understand it?
I celebrate my capacity to want and desire... but how do I reconcile this very important, deep life thread of wanting to be self fulfilling,
I just want to keep cultivating this deep sense of self, I just want to belong deeply to myself.....
How do i reconcile that with this deep usurping desire for people?

Especially when this desire for people is bound up in a desire for them to desire me.... I desire, so accutely, to be sought, to be wanted. I want someone to inspire me. to give to me.

and this is such a weakness, because i feel like its so easy to feel so deprived of desire... so thirsty for it, that as soon as someone comes along with water, even if its bad water... i'll drink it.

And whenever I realise that, whenever that creeps in, that yearning.... For something exciting. For someone to inspire me. And wander into my life like I feel I do to others and just look at me and what I have to give and who I am and what I cultivate and say 'I want you, I want to know you, I seek you, and I want to show you that, I want to make you feel that. And I'm going to kiss you because there's something in your mouth that I want to take. Because I want to be immerged in your ether. Because I want to know you so intimately, that it drives me wild.'
It scares me. Because it means I'm not whole, I'm not completing myself. There's something I need that I'm not providing for myself.
I guess my biggest fear here was that people could feel this intense desire to be wanted. and that they would see it as a weakness. I saw it as a weakness. as being less than complete, less than whole, less than self sufficient.
I am scared that people wont be drawn to me unless i am this whole, complete, radiating, self sufficient.... I am so scared to need anything from anyone because ... what if they think i am not worth that effort, of providing for that need?
I just hate feeling demanding. I hate projecting needs onto others.
i never know quite how to articulate that very real fear. Maybe I am being too dramatic. But its always been there, for as long as I can remember, its a deep running fear.

I dont want to see my value through any one elses perspective but my own. I dont want my self value, my self beleif to be dependant on anyone else, and what they think of me.

I panicked, as I sometimes do when I identify something negative or dangerous in my mind, in my framework, my vessel.... I think i have this fear of... one tiny little negative thing suddenly dragging me down into this out of control miasma. I need to give myself more credit, and instead of panicking ... work through it thoughtfully and patiently.

Maybe I need to reframe my whole perspective with this. Maybe I should stop feeling that weakness is a negative thing. Maybe I should see wanting to be wanted as a positive thing.

intimate sleepy morning scrawl

here is my intimate sleepy morning scrawl
i have come down to the river to spend some time investing in and engaging with this evolving idea of you at a distance

on my way down here, i walked past the lake, my shoes damp with dew, the cold air citrus fresh on my face.

imagine, that sublime stillness of the morning. that esoteric, resplendant almost shimmer of the almost dawn. the world is waking and little forrest spirits are sleepily, mischieviously dancing around paiting light and colour. with grace, with levity and with mirth.

i must have disturbed the flock of birds resting on the water because as one, they took to the sky, a cacophanous thundering flurry of feathers
it made my heart lunge in my chest.

I am in a tacit conversation with the morning.
I'm watching everything move subtly and slightly with the breeze. The leaves of a particular tree are rustling effusively. There's a beautiful uninterupted flow to it, a rhythm. Like... oragami being unfolded and refolded over and over.

(For Gen)