Joshie #5

By the time I got home it was almost as if it never happened.

Us standing in the middle of Tyler Street

Me gripping your shirt, resting my face in the corner of your shoulder. 

(I always find a space in your body that part of me fits in)

You brushing your cheek against mine.

By the time I got home, heavy in bed, anxious and sad, the lightness had left my heart.

Except that I could still smell you. Except that my mouth still burned for your prickly chin.

I got in the car and you walked away.

How am I meant to be without this? Without looking at joshie. Without not-kissing joshie.

He always waits for me. Even when I bring my lips right to his. 

There is a space under his nose. I can see it in my mind, the curve of his chin. The way that empty space feels against my mouth.

He put his forehead on my forehead, and his nose against my nose and there was a space between our chins that i knew I had to fill.

I have spent a lot of time feeling too big. Too impulsive. Too intimate. Too intimidating. Predacious, even.

But Joshie

He stands at my car, and waits. 

He is not scared that looking at eachother silently for ages might lead to complication.

He is in it. In that moment.

And he waits for my lead. He puts his cheek against my cheek and smells my hair and waits for me to decide what happens next.

No one creates a space for me like that but Joshie.

He is a big deal. He gives me so much

generously and fearlessly.