So sometimes it is... not the best thing. It can make me do
reckless things. It can make me so physically uncomfortable. it usurps me completely. and i can feel like my bones will jump from my skin and run away from my body.
But it is always
celebrated. Like every other part of me. a walt whitman luscious.
There's a certain kind of restlessness that i get sometimes... a heavy kind of restlessness. The one i feel when i know
what i want but cant give it to myself. It swells in my chest. Distending and
tumescent. I can feel my bones growing. I feel heavy with its presence, heavy with its impact.
It physically moves me. It makes a puppet of me. I almost
cant control what i physically do.
I feel like it... bubbles in me. Under my surface. Quite defiantly
and determinedly. As a feeling it is determined. Implacable. There is no
attenuating it. No reasoning with it.
I wonder if it was a substance what form it would take. I wonder
if it is a solid substance. tumescent. it sits like stone in my belly. in my chest. Or if it is vapour. Gas. Does gas bubble?
whatever form it takes, it must exude from me. It must be a tangible force. It feels so
strong. It fills me so intensely, i can feel it coursing through my body and
leaking from me. I wonder if people around me can feel it.
It makes a plenum of me.
What i find interesting, what i have been wondering about,
is how much restlessness fills me. Fills my capacity.
And i wondered... do i feel full OF restlessness? Is restlessness
a substance? Is restlessness the matter in which i am filled with, or is
restlessness the means in which i am filled with... everything else. Whatever i
am restless about.
Maybe restlessness is a catalyst. Or like a reactive
ingredient. Like yeast. And i rise and swell like dough.
It can manifest in so many ways. Its very dynamic. Sometimes it sillyness. Sometimes it is heaviness in my chest. Sometimes its reticence. Sometimes its an intense need to communicate in intricate detail. sometimes it is ebullient joy.
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