autumn is for roasted warm colours
sweet potato, red onion, capsicum, eggplant
for the smell of garlic
and bergamot earl grey tea
Friday 22 March 2013
Thursday 21 March 2013
The second feast: bodies
I approached this theme with confidence which quickly turned to trepidation which quickly turned to excitement.
I love writing about bodies. It's one of my favourite most fertile muses. It's infused with desire. Physical curiosity. But not necessarily sexual.
A delight, a craving for details. To seek and explore.
Angles, shapes, curves.....
It's very natural, very visceral, very intense.
But then I realised.... The point of feasts of fancy, what I want to get out of it is to explore NEW ways of writing. I always write about bodies in this way. So I should try to expand my limited field of inspiration.
I'd always wanted to write a haunting and intense country style ballad. Like Liz Stringer .... Beautiful and fearlessly intense. And I thought, maybe now is the chance.
I suddenly caught this idea ..... How a body part can represent a person. Or capture a moment, or a story, or a life. I had this idea of a list of body parts and what they mean to different people.
What if someone went around noticing people's body parts, and what they represent. And in their mind they collect them.
How beautiful and intense and haunting could it be if that collector was a gravedigger, who walks through this labrynth of rotting flesh, noticing a clutching hand, a curved arm, a swollen leg, seeking eyes, a warm belly...
That way I could try something different. Write about something familiar in a different way. In the frame of a style I've always wanted to try.
So I started 'the gravedigger's collection'.
I love writing about bodies. It's one of my favourite most fertile muses. It's infused with desire. Physical curiosity. But not necessarily sexual.
A delight, a craving for details. To seek and explore.
Angles, shapes, curves.....
It's very natural, very visceral, very intense.
But then I realised.... The point of feasts of fancy, what I want to get out of it is to explore NEW ways of writing. I always write about bodies in this way. So I should try to expand my limited field of inspiration.
I'd always wanted to write a haunting and intense country style ballad. Like Liz Stringer .... Beautiful and fearlessly intense. And I thought, maybe now is the chance.
I suddenly caught this idea ..... How a body part can represent a person. Or capture a moment, or a story, or a life. I had this idea of a list of body parts and what they mean to different people.
What if someone went around noticing people's body parts, and what they represent. And in their mind they collect them.
How beautiful and intense and haunting could it be if that collector was a gravedigger, who walks through this labrynth of rotting flesh, noticing a clutching hand, a curved arm, a swollen leg, seeking eyes, a warm belly...
That way I could try something different. Write about something familiar in a different way. In the frame of a style I've always wanted to try.
So I started 'the gravedigger's collection'.
Autumn 2
Autumn is for swift stumbling striding gait
For walking so fast with sophisticated swishing skirts
And being so distracted
That you bump into people
Autumn is for clumsiness
And gracefulness
In equal dichotomous measure
Autumn 1
Autumn is for red wine and pining
For a beautiful warm bouncing baritone
in a lace skirt and curly hair
For a beautiful warm bouncing baritone
in a lace skirt and curly hair
Saturday 9 March 2013
reticent
I experienced an interesting colour after pemberton. Maybe it was how I responded to such intense vulnerable and raw experiences.
But I had been growing restless and fitful for a while for another reason. sometimes two waves, from two different origins will grow torrentual at the same time, inside me, and its really interesting to see how i respond.
I just felt, so intensely pensive, so deep in reflection, it made me very raw, very honest....
its a very vulnerable colour of me. but also a very strong one.
but in a way that is very hard to communicate and articulate to anyone else.
I just feel I descend into social ineptness.... where its really difficult for me to hold a normal conversation. take part in regular social interactions. do normal socially approriate things. answer the question 'how are you' with the perfunctory 'good thankyou'
rather than a solipsistic deluge
so i just withdrew very far inside myself, i sequestered. in a beautiful beautiful way.
i sought warm soft quiet quiescence. I only wanted the company of my family. and at the most, very very comfortable and natural friends, that i could be me at my wierdest around, like Liv and Sophie. I think I am eternally grateful for people like that who create a space for me to be all of myself, every part of myself, to its capacity.
i felt so comfortable, so homey. I drank wine and tea and listened to beautiful music. I did little pottery jobs.
but sometimes it was not quite a good thing.
when I am in this mood... I shy away from things that make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
a quikening of my pulse
a thickening in my chest.
i think that was the fitfulness shuddering through, turning my heart into a tambourine.
i think... i craved something from everyone. i didnt quite know what, and i certainly didnt know how to seek it. very particular, very specific, but huge....
and of course i couldnt seek it, because i felt so socially inept.....
I am writing about it because it was a really positive thing for me, to let myself embrace that colour, in all of its details. it was quite usurping... it reached out into every area of my life. I loved it. I loved seeking warm and soft things. i didnt worry about feeling like a reticent social recluse... because I know, always, that i can trust the swelling, the ebb and flow of my life, within me and around me. And it did pass, and now I am seeking social productivity, an entrepeneur of conviviality. I love seeking and experiencing fully the different colours of me.
But I had been growing restless and fitful for a while for another reason. sometimes two waves, from two different origins will grow torrentual at the same time, inside me, and its really interesting to see how i respond.
I just felt, so intensely pensive, so deep in reflection, it made me very raw, very honest....
its a very vulnerable colour of me. but also a very strong one.
but in a way that is very hard to communicate and articulate to anyone else.
I just feel I descend into social ineptness.... where its really difficult for me to hold a normal conversation. take part in regular social interactions. do normal socially approriate things. answer the question 'how are you' with the perfunctory 'good thankyou'
rather than a solipsistic deluge
so i just withdrew very far inside myself, i sequestered. in a beautiful beautiful way.
i sought warm soft quiet quiescence. I only wanted the company of my family. and at the most, very very comfortable and natural friends, that i could be me at my wierdest around, like Liv and Sophie. I think I am eternally grateful for people like that who create a space for me to be all of myself, every part of myself, to its capacity.
i felt so comfortable, so homey. I drank wine and tea and listened to beautiful music. I did little pottery jobs.
but sometimes it was not quite a good thing.
when I am in this mood... I shy away from things that make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
a quikening of my pulse
a thickening in my chest.
i think that was the fitfulness shuddering through, turning my heart into a tambourine.
i think... i craved something from everyone. i didnt quite know what, and i certainly didnt know how to seek it. very particular, very specific, but huge....
and of course i couldnt seek it, because i felt so socially inept.....
I am writing about it because it was a really positive thing for me, to let myself embrace that colour, in all of its details. it was quite usurping... it reached out into every area of my life. I loved it. I loved seeking warm and soft things. i didnt worry about feeling like a reticent social recluse... because I know, always, that i can trust the swelling, the ebb and flow of my life, within me and around me. And it did pass, and now I am seeking social productivity, an entrepeneur of conviviality. I love seeking and experiencing fully the different colours of me.
the dichotomy between desires and needs
something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is how very important it is for me to be... whole.
or to constantly seek being whole.
For my life, for my soul... I dont want to ever need anything from anyone.
I want to be for myself, all that I need.
i want to belong deeply to myself.
to be so complete, so full, so developed in myself
that it radiates from me... this beautiful, free, powerful self sufficiency.
maybe a small part of is fear... i think there is definately an element of that in there.
I am scared of people seeing me as weak. not necessarily ... weak... but... needing something outside myself. as less than whole.
I think also, the last time i realised I needed something from someone, i needed to be needed by my ex girlfriend, i needed to feel desired by her... it put me in a very negative and powerless position.
I know how weak i can be. and how dangerous that is.
But i think that fear is only one small colour... I know, that this wanting of wholenss, is a positive thing at its core.
I was thinking about all of this especially when I felt very confronted by the capacity that I have for this overwhelming usurping desire to know people, to share with them, to explore them, to create with them....one person in particular, at that moment. but its a ubiqutious thing.
and i suddenly felt so scared that I was treading this fine line between a 'desire' and a 'need'....
when does a desire become a need?
What if I need this? What does that mean? Is it such a bad thing? Should I identify it as another thing I need to draw from myself, drag out into the open, attend it, unwravel it and work through it until its a positive thing? Until I understand it?
I celebrate my capacity to want and desire... but how do I reconcile this very important, deep life thread of wanting to be self fulfilling,
I just want to keep cultivating this deep sense of self, I just want to belong deeply to myself.....
How do i reconcile that with this deep usurping desire for people?
Especially when this desire for people is bound up in a desire for them to desire me.... I desire, so accutely, to be sought, to be wanted. I want someone to inspire me. to give to me.
and this is such a weakness, because i feel like its so easy to feel so deprived of desire... so thirsty for it, that as soon as someone comes along with water, even if its bad water... i'll drink it.
And whenever I realise that, whenever that creeps in, that yearning.... For something exciting. For someone to inspire me. And wander into my life like I feel I do to others and just look at me and what I have to give and who I am and what I cultivate and say 'I want you, I want to know you, I seek you, and I want to show you that, I want to make you feel that. And I'm going to kiss you because there's something in your mouth that I want to take. Because I want to be immerged in your ether. Because I want to know you so intimately, that it drives me wild.'
It scares me. Because it means I'm not whole, I'm not completing myself. There's something I need that I'm not providing for myself.
I guess my biggest fear here was that people could feel this intense desire to be wanted. and that they would see it as a weakness. I saw it as a weakness. as being less than complete, less than whole, less than self sufficient.
I am scared that people wont be drawn to me unless i am this whole, complete, radiating, self sufficient.... I am so scared to need anything from anyone because ... what if they think i am not worth that effort, of providing for that need?
I just hate feeling demanding. I hate projecting needs onto others.
i never know quite how to articulate that very real fear. Maybe I am being too dramatic. But its always been there, for as long as I can remember, its a deep running fear.
I dont want to see my value through any one elses perspective but my own. I dont want my self value, my self beleif to be dependant on anyone else, and what they think of me.
I panicked, as I sometimes do when I identify something negative or dangerous in my mind, in my framework, my vessel.... I think i have this fear of... one tiny little negative thing suddenly dragging me down into this out of control miasma. I need to give myself more credit, and instead of panicking ... work through it thoughtfully and patiently.
Maybe I need to reframe my whole perspective with this. Maybe I should stop feeling that weakness is a negative thing. Maybe I should see wanting to be wanted as a positive thing.
or to constantly seek being whole.
For my life, for my soul... I dont want to ever need anything from anyone.
I want to be for myself, all that I need.
i want to belong deeply to myself.
to be so complete, so full, so developed in myself
that it radiates from me... this beautiful, free, powerful self sufficiency.
maybe a small part of is fear... i think there is definately an element of that in there.
I am scared of people seeing me as weak. not necessarily ... weak... but... needing something outside myself. as less than whole.
I think also, the last time i realised I needed something from someone, i needed to be needed by my ex girlfriend, i needed to feel desired by her... it put me in a very negative and powerless position.
I know how weak i can be. and how dangerous that is.
But i think that fear is only one small colour... I know, that this wanting of wholenss, is a positive thing at its core.
I was thinking about all of this especially when I felt very confronted by the capacity that I have for this overwhelming usurping desire to know people, to share with them, to explore them, to create with them....one person in particular, at that moment. but its a ubiqutious thing.
and i suddenly felt so scared that I was treading this fine line between a 'desire' and a 'need'....
when does a desire become a need?
What if I need this? What does that mean? Is it such a bad thing? Should I identify it as another thing I need to draw from myself, drag out into the open, attend it, unwravel it and work through it until its a positive thing? Until I understand it?
I celebrate my capacity to want and desire... but how do I reconcile this very important, deep life thread of wanting to be self fulfilling,
I just want to keep cultivating this deep sense of self, I just want to belong deeply to myself.....
How do i reconcile that with this deep usurping desire for people?
Especially when this desire for people is bound up in a desire for them to desire me.... I desire, so accutely, to be sought, to be wanted. I want someone to inspire me. to give to me.
and this is such a weakness, because i feel like its so easy to feel so deprived of desire... so thirsty for it, that as soon as someone comes along with water, even if its bad water... i'll drink it.
And whenever I realise that, whenever that creeps in, that yearning.... For something exciting. For someone to inspire me. And wander into my life like I feel I do to others and just look at me and what I have to give and who I am and what I cultivate and say 'I want you, I want to know you, I seek you, and I want to show you that, I want to make you feel that. And I'm going to kiss you because there's something in your mouth that I want to take. Because I want to be immerged in your ether. Because I want to know you so intimately, that it drives me wild.'
It scares me. Because it means I'm not whole, I'm not completing myself. There's something I need that I'm not providing for myself.
I guess my biggest fear here was that people could feel this intense desire to be wanted. and that they would see it as a weakness. I saw it as a weakness. as being less than complete, less than whole, less than self sufficient.
I am scared that people wont be drawn to me unless i am this whole, complete, radiating, self sufficient.... I am so scared to need anything from anyone because ... what if they think i am not worth that effort, of providing for that need?
I just hate feeling demanding. I hate projecting needs onto others.
i never know quite how to articulate that very real fear. Maybe I am being too dramatic. But its always been there, for as long as I can remember, its a deep running fear.
I dont want to see my value through any one elses perspective but my own. I dont want my self value, my self beleif to be dependant on anyone else, and what they think of me.
I panicked, as I sometimes do when I identify something negative or dangerous in my mind, in my framework, my vessel.... I think i have this fear of... one tiny little negative thing suddenly dragging me down into this out of control miasma. I need to give myself more credit, and instead of panicking ... work through it thoughtfully and patiently.
Maybe I need to reframe my whole perspective with this. Maybe I should stop feeling that weakness is a negative thing. Maybe I should see wanting to be wanted as a positive thing.
Friday 8 March 2013
rapacious
I have been seeking something lately, a person, and I feel its time to write about it, because its something i think i now need to distance myself from.
and I want to write about it, because it is a really astute reflection of some very big parts of me.
so this person... its been very interesting.
and its been, golden, really its been so very valuable, in such a deep life thread way, because that is one of the foundational things i seek from life.
to expand my capacity to feel. especially with people.
to create and seek new and different relationships with people
to explore different kinds of desire, different ways of expressing that.
and this was very different to anything else.
It was not a physical feeling, a physical desire, at its core.
it was the most intense emotional desire, to know this person, to explore this person, to learn this person all of their details.
but it manifested, into a very intense, physical desire.
I didnt want a relationship. All I wanted was to find the right way to explore whatever this was, to find the right way for us to seek the friendship that we want together the capacity of our intimacy. to seek and cultivate our unique connection.
for me that was a physical friendship.
For me that made perfect sense. But I think it was a bit too complicated for the other person involved.
I think, what it comes down to is that they just didn't feel the same way.
I beleive that my very big... very intense capacity to desire people, is beautiful.
I seek it, I celebrate it.
but I want someone to seek it and celebrate it with me.
Instead, in this situation, with this person, i felt, that my capacity to desire was...
too intense. intimidating. rapacious. demanding. predacious.
I dont want to be in that position.
I dont want to feel like my capacity to feel is something I should have to placate. that I should sensor myself. make myself smaller. be less of myself. i dont want to ever hinder myself. that is very bad for my soul.
I think its pretty clear that all of this is coming from me, that its all my feelings, and how i respond to the situation. the other person really has nothing at all to answer for. its just my fears, my capacity, the way that i respond to and process things.
Really what I wanted was for this person to desire me as much as I felt for them. I know they admire and respect me. I feel that. its a beautiful thing in my life. But... shit, I wanted more. and I hated wanting more, i hated the revery that flows from that... (when does a want become a need? does wanting something from someone else make me less whole and complete? I am so scared of being demanding!)
I wanted them to seek me. to give to me. to inspire me. to be curious about me. to be as intrigued about me as I am about them. i wanted them to desire me.
(i wonder if i will ever find someone who feels and desires as strongly for me as I do for others. or maybe its a good thing if that never happens.... maybe that would be a dangerous thing for me)
so in the end... something that i wanted to be fun and comfortable and natural, has been bound up in all of this complicated and intense revery. its making me feel very ambivalent. all of this reflected is unwarranted, disproportionate, and I dont want to project that onto our friendship.
and I want to write about it, because it is a really astute reflection of some very big parts of me.
so this person... its been very interesting.
and its been, golden, really its been so very valuable, in such a deep life thread way, because that is one of the foundational things i seek from life.
to expand my capacity to feel. especially with people.
to create and seek new and different relationships with people
to explore different kinds of desire, different ways of expressing that.
and this was very different to anything else.
It was not a physical feeling, a physical desire, at its core.
it was the most intense emotional desire, to know this person, to explore this person, to learn this person all of their details.
but it manifested, into a very intense, physical desire.
I didnt want a relationship. All I wanted was to find the right way to explore whatever this was, to find the right way for us to seek the friendship that we want together the capacity of our intimacy. to seek and cultivate our unique connection.
for me that was a physical friendship.
For me that made perfect sense. But I think it was a bit too complicated for the other person involved.
I think, what it comes down to is that they just didn't feel the same way.
I beleive that my very big... very intense capacity to desire people, is beautiful.
I seek it, I celebrate it.
but I want someone to seek it and celebrate it with me.
Instead, in this situation, with this person, i felt, that my capacity to desire was...
too intense. intimidating. rapacious. demanding. predacious.
I dont want to be in that position.
I dont want to feel like my capacity to feel is something I should have to placate. that I should sensor myself. make myself smaller. be less of myself. i dont want to ever hinder myself. that is very bad for my soul.
I think its pretty clear that all of this is coming from me, that its all my feelings, and how i respond to the situation. the other person really has nothing at all to answer for. its just my fears, my capacity, the way that i respond to and process things.
Really what I wanted was for this person to desire me as much as I felt for them. I know they admire and respect me. I feel that. its a beautiful thing in my life. But... shit, I wanted more. and I hated wanting more, i hated the revery that flows from that... (when does a want become a need? does wanting something from someone else make me less whole and complete? I am so scared of being demanding!)
I wanted them to seek me. to give to me. to inspire me. to be curious about me. to be as intrigued about me as I am about them. i wanted them to desire me.
(i wonder if i will ever find someone who feels and desires as strongly for me as I do for others. or maybe its a good thing if that never happens.... maybe that would be a dangerous thing for me)
so in the end... something that i wanted to be fun and comfortable and natural, has been bound up in all of this complicated and intense revery. its making me feel very ambivalent. all of this reflected is unwarranted, disproportionate, and I dont want to project that onto our friendship.
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