the dichotomy between desires and needs

something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is how very important it is for me to be... whole.
or to constantly seek being whole.

For my life, for my soul... I dont want to ever need anything from anyone.
I want to be for myself, all that I need.

i want to belong deeply to myself.

to be so complete, so full, so developed in myself

that it radiates from me... this beautiful, free, powerful self sufficiency.

maybe a small part of is fear... i think there is definately an element of that in there.
I am scared of people seeing me as weak. not necessarily ... weak... but... needing something outside myself. as less than whole.

I think also, the last time i realised I needed something from someone, i needed to be needed by my ex girlfriend, i needed to feel desired by her... it put me in a very negative and powerless position.
I know how weak i can be. and how dangerous that is.

But i think that fear is only one small colour... I know, that this wanting of wholenss, is a positive thing at its core.

I was thinking about all of this especially when I felt very confronted by the capacity that I have for this overwhelming usurping desire to know people, to share with them, to explore them, to create with them....one person in particular, at that moment. but its a ubiqutious thing.
and i suddenly felt so scared that I was treading this fine line between a 'desire' and a 'need'....

when does a desire become a need?

What if I need this? What does that mean? Is it such a bad thing? Should I identify it as another thing I need to draw from myself, drag out into the open, attend it, unwravel it and work through it until its a positive thing? Until I understand it?
I celebrate my capacity to want and desire... but how do I reconcile this very important, deep life thread of wanting to be self fulfilling,
I just want to keep cultivating this deep sense of self, I just want to belong deeply to myself.....
How do i reconcile that with this deep usurping desire for people?

Especially when this desire for people is bound up in a desire for them to desire me.... I desire, so accutely, to be sought, to be wanted. I want someone to inspire me. to give to me.

and this is such a weakness, because i feel like its so easy to feel so deprived of desire... so thirsty for it, that as soon as someone comes along with water, even if its bad water... i'll drink it.

And whenever I realise that, whenever that creeps in, that yearning.... For something exciting. For someone to inspire me. And wander into my life like I feel I do to others and just look at me and what I have to give and who I am and what I cultivate and say 'I want you, I want to know you, I seek you, and I want to show you that, I want to make you feel that. And I'm going to kiss you because there's something in your mouth that I want to take. Because I want to be immerged in your ether. Because I want to know you so intimately, that it drives me wild.'
It scares me. Because it means I'm not whole, I'm not completing myself. There's something I need that I'm not providing for myself.
I guess my biggest fear here was that people could feel this intense desire to be wanted. and that they would see it as a weakness. I saw it as a weakness. as being less than complete, less than whole, less than self sufficient.
I am scared that people wont be drawn to me unless i am this whole, complete, radiating, self sufficient.... I am so scared to need anything from anyone because ... what if they think i am not worth that effort, of providing for that need?
I just hate feeling demanding. I hate projecting needs onto others.
i never know quite how to articulate that very real fear. Maybe I am being too dramatic. But its always been there, for as long as I can remember, its a deep running fear.

I dont want to see my value through any one elses perspective but my own. I dont want my self value, my self beleif to be dependant on anyone else, and what they think of me.

I panicked, as I sometimes do when I identify something negative or dangerous in my mind, in my framework, my vessel.... I think i have this fear of... one tiny little negative thing suddenly dragging me down into this out of control miasma. I need to give myself more credit, and instead of panicking ... work through it thoughtfully and patiently.

Maybe I need to reframe my whole perspective with this. Maybe I should stop feeling that weakness is a negative thing. Maybe I should see wanting to be wanted as a positive thing.