reticent

I experienced an interesting colour after pemberton. Maybe it was how I responded to such intense vulnerable and raw experiences.
But I had been growing restless and fitful for a while for another reason. sometimes two waves, from two different origins will grow torrentual at the same time, inside me, and its really interesting to see how i respond.

I just felt, so intensely pensive, so deep in reflection, it made me very raw, very honest....
its a very vulnerable colour of me. but also a very strong one.

but in a way that is very hard to communicate and articulate to anyone else.

I just feel I descend into social ineptness.... where its really difficult for me to hold a normal conversation. take part in regular social interactions. do normal socially approriate things. answer the question 'how are you' with the perfunctory 'good thankyou'
rather than a solipsistic deluge

so i just withdrew very far inside myself, i sequestered. in a beautiful beautiful way.

i sought warm soft quiet quiescence. I only wanted the company of my family. and at the most, very very comfortable and natural friends, that i could be me at my wierdest around, like Liv and Sophie. I think I am eternally grateful for people like that who create a space for me to be all of myself, every part of myself, to its capacity.

i felt so comfortable, so homey. I drank wine and tea and listened to beautiful music. I did little pottery jobs.

but sometimes it was not quite a good thing.
when I am in this mood... I shy away from things that make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
a quikening of my pulse
a thickening in my chest.
i think that was the fitfulness shuddering through, turning my heart into a tambourine.

i think... i craved something from everyone. i didnt quite know what, and i certainly didnt know how to seek it. very particular, very specific, but huge....
and of course i couldnt seek it, because i felt so socially inept.....

I am writing about it because it was a really positive thing for me, to let myself embrace that colour, in all of its details. it was quite usurping... it reached out into every area of my life. I loved it. I loved seeking warm and soft things. i didnt worry about feeling like a reticent social recluse... because I know, always, that i can trust the swelling, the ebb and flow of my life, within me and around me. And it did pass, and now I am seeking social productivity, an entrepeneur of conviviality. I love seeking and experiencing fully the different colours of me.