rapacious

I have been seeking something lately, a person, and I feel its time to write about it, because its something i think i now need to distance myself from.
and I want to write about it, because it is a really astute reflection of some very big parts of me.

so this person... its been very interesting.

and its been, golden, really its been so very valuable, in such a deep life thread way, because that is one of the foundational things i seek from life.
to expand my capacity to feel. especially with people.
to create and seek new and different relationships with people
to explore different kinds of desire, different ways of expressing that.

and this was very different to anything else.
It was not a physical feeling, a physical desire, at its core.
it was the most intense emotional desire, to know this person, to explore this person, to learn this person all of their details.
but it manifested, into a very intense, physical desire.

I didnt want a relationship. All I wanted was to find the right way to explore whatever this was, to find the right way for us to seek the friendship that we want together the capacity of our intimacy. to seek and cultivate our unique connection.
for me that was a physical friendship.

For me that made perfect sense. But I think it was a bit too complicated for the other person involved.
I think, what it comes down to is that they just didn't feel the same way.

I beleive that my very big... very intense capacity to desire people, is beautiful.
I seek it, I celebrate it.
but I want someone to seek it and celebrate it with me.
Instead, in this situation, with this person, i felt, that my capacity to desire was...
too intense. intimidating. rapacious. demanding. predacious.

I dont want to be in that position.

I dont want to feel like my capacity to feel is something I should have to placate. that I should sensor myself. make myself smaller. be less of myself. i dont want to ever hinder myself. that is very bad for my soul.

I think its pretty clear that all of this is coming from me, that its all my feelings, and how i respond to the situation. the other person really has nothing at all to answer for. its just my fears, my capacity, the way that i respond to and process things.

Really what I wanted was for this person to desire me as much as I felt for them. I know they admire and respect me. I feel that. its a beautiful thing in my life. But... shit, I wanted more. and I hated wanting more, i hated the revery that flows from that... (when does a want become a need? does wanting something from someone else make me less whole and complete? I am so scared of being demanding!)
I wanted them to seek me. to give to me. to inspire me. to be curious about me. to be as intrigued about me as I am about them. i wanted them to desire me.

(i wonder if i will ever find someone who feels and desires as strongly for me as I do for others. or maybe its a good thing if that never happens.... maybe that would be a dangerous thing for me)

so in the end... something that i wanted to be fun and comfortable and natural, has been bound up in all of this complicated and intense revery. its making me feel very ambivalent. all of this reflected is unwarranted, disproportionate, and I dont want to project that onto our friendship.