an external force

Lately I have been feeling deprived. And it worries me, because what does that mean for my pursuit of wholeness? For my pursuit of being for myself all that I need?
If I feel deprived... that means there is something I am not giving to myself.
But I have realised that what i feel deprived of - desire - I can't give that to myself. I can cultivate, and nourish and... just seek myself, belong to myself, be as fucking whole and and fucking full and developed as I can be...
and i do. i feel a great sense of self worth. I don't need anyone else to need me to testify to that.

But I can't give myself desire. it is an external force. this feeling of deprivation... it is not coming from me.

desire is an external force.

So I have identified what I need. and I think I am learning to be OK about identifying what I need, if that means someone else needs to facilitate the fulfillment of that need.

my friend Bea says to me 'a man is not an island, fee fee'

i encourage people to need me. why can't i give them that in return? why does it feel like the scariest thing in the world to need something outside of myself?

It has been a long time since i have felt desire.
I feel... so acutely, 'friendship-desire'. which is.... more divine. the most sublime. i am rich for it. It surrounds me. it ensconces me. The people in my life and what they give me, the way we create together, how we seek eachother... I am so rich for it.
But physical desire is different. and I think the last person who really did... want me, was Belinda. and i was so addicted to that, to her desire. and it was the most destructive thing.

So I don't really know where to go from here. I dont know how to facilitate this need. And I don't know how to do that and protect myself from my weaknesses at the same time.