Saturday at the Hugo's

Yesterday morning Mum danced around the kitchen.
My chest hurt for laughing so hard.
My chest is where I feel all the heaviness,
and it just dissipated with laughter.
Mum will do something ridiculous... and John and I will just look at eachother and laugh.
hearty laugh. belly laugh. a laugh that fills my lungs, that reverberates in my chest. a laugh that rings in my ears and folds my body over.
we are big laughers in our family. My dad has the most glorious giggle. His whole face scrunches up and he stamps his feet. its almost like a series of hiccups. 'a hi hi hi'. it completely takes over his whole body. it is such a joy to witness.
John... has a booming laugh. its comes in staccatoed bursts, in groups of increasing numerical order.
HA. a HA HA. a HA HA HA.
i imagine it rolling around in his belly like thunder.
So John and I laughed at mum. and it filled my chest so that there was no room for heaviness.
Mum is so free. so insouciant. so ridiculous. it is the most positive thing to be around.

I gave mum and dad a poem that I am thinking of submitting to a magazine. Usually mum is funny about reading and critiquing things. I would avoid it, because she would focus on one little detail, and not the whole thing.
and that is not what i wanted from showing my parents something important to me. i just want to share.
but this time, she gave it back to me and said
'it is perfect. i cant believe someone so intelligent came out of my womb. it is perfect. dont change a thing'
My heart swelled. it was everything i wanted. It was all the support I needed. It was so beautiful. so generous.
I was brushing my teeth and I had a mouth full of toothpaste.
it dripped down my chin.

I had woken John up to come with me on a field trip to Theo's. I needed my partner in crime. and of course, as always, he was there for me, there with me, to facilitate my desires. even in its recklessness.
like the time he drove 10 hours with me, to and from Albany, while I went to see Kasey and Shane, and he just hung out at the backpackers.
His generosity and selflessness .... It is unparalleled. He is my hero. I wish i could be more like him.
We went to buy a banjo. I had decided that i needed it. That i would surely die if I did not buy one imminently. So I did. I told Mum, and she was all for it. and John came along with me, bouncing alongside next to me.

We are all seeking special things for me.
It is everything that I need.
Almost everything I need.
It is everything I need to be ok about the fact that I can't have what I need.