attenuating future fears

I have had a very definitive and glorious turn around in my thoughts about a certain area of my life. and I have just felt so mired, so dismantled by my fears in this area. So a new perspective is a wonderful, welcome thing.

What scares me is the future. Not generally - mostly I feel very excited about it. I have a beautiful foundation level of confidence in my life. in my soul, in what i seek, what i cultivate. Except for the very specific area of my studies and my future career. Maybe the fact that I usually feel so bold and sure and confident, even in my erratic-ness - maybe thats what makes this fear seem so powerful. Because I am not used to that kind of... lack of self belief.

I remember the moment that I realised that a lack of self belief was bound up in this fear. It's not me, it has no place in my heart. But it has crept in and I dont know how to combat it.

I find the legal field - to get a job - it just seems so unachievable to me. so elusive. so complicated. there is nothing about it that feels simple, or achievable or even understandable.
I like studying law. I am pretty good at it. I enjoy it most of the time, to a reasonable extent. But this next step... it just feels so far away. I dont know how to get there, or to get to a place where getting there seems more achievable, or even the steps involved in getting there....
I feel like I dont even know the little steps involved that would get me there. that would make me less fearful, less intimidated.

But then I am so afraid of anything that represents getting a job, so afraid of being confronted with this reality, that I am too scared to even start looking. To figure out what those steps are, which would probably attenuate my fears.

Fear is so powerful. I dont often feel that afraid. I dont know how to respond to large scale intimidation.
little things that intimidate me... I thrive on that. I love a challenge. it excites me.
But anything beyond that ambit - anything TOO uncertain or TOO intimidating or TOO important ...

it completely dismantles me.

and my mind, it puts up walls. I cant deal with this intimidation so I just shut it out. 
So I have been clinging to the fact that I will finish at the end of next year, a semester after most of my friends. because i feel like i need time. to find out how to not be so afraid. i need to put off facing that fear for as long as i can. facing the fear of finishing a 5-6 year degree without a job. and how demoralising that would be.

But yesterday I realised that I had done more units than I thought, and that I would probably finish midway through the year next year.
and for the first time that did not paralyse me with fear.


I am starting to think about other options. i am starting to wonder about how comitted i really feel to studying and praciticing law. I feel.... like sometimes ive put in a mediocre effort to studying. ive felt ambivalent too often. I have great moments of dedication, passion even,

but now i just feel so sick of it, but i dont feel i even deserve to be sick of it. I know what its like to have a usurping desire, a usurping comitment for something. and ideally, naively, i dont want anything less for my life. but thats not law for me. not right now anyway. i dont know how to reconcile myself to that.

i know that i started law thinking that i would do this for the sensible version of myself. i would do this because i beleived it was my potential. and then if i wasnt happy with it, i could pursue something more reckless and creative.

so maybe i will do that. Maybe I could save up and live somewhere new for a year, and do some study in something that really thrills me like language. or like creative writing.

maybe i will even audition for waapa. which is what i really wanted to do in high school. act.

The most important thing is that I have realised that if I dont get a job in law it is not the be all and end all... its probably not even what i want to do, or will be happy doing - so why let it make me so afraid!? maybe if I feel less intimidated, maybe that will open doors.