I am thinking a lot about getting another tattoo. Which then makes me curious about why I want tattoos, and the thought process that is involved in making that decision.
I have a wall in my room which I stick curious and beautiful things. I have an addiction, an intense desire for what I find beautiful. I want to be surrounded by it all of the time. I seek it and hoard it. I want to capture it, collect it, to have it for my own.
Bound up in what i consider 'beautiful' is (materially) is a strong sense of uniqueness, quirkyness. The beauty that inspires me has substance and texture. Inspiration is active and involved and challenging.
So this wall is full of beautiful curiosities.
I remember at one point I started to question, and filter what I put on the wall. What qualifications or requirements something had to meet to be 'wall-worthy'. And then I realised.... inherent in curious beauty is a rampant freedom. Order has its place... but not on my wall. Not in my definition of beauty. Surely the fact that something, or even some element of something captures my attention, invokes a desire in me, makes it worthy of the wall.
For my first tattoo I had such a high standard. Which I think is fair - branding something on your skin is serious. What I decided was worthy of marking my skin forever was a life philosophy, that I felt was an exhaustive expression of so many deep running threads in my life.
In that way, even if this philosophy develops - or even if it significantly changes later in my life - its ok, because at 19 years old, this concept was so definitive, so thrilling, and so positive. I'm sure I will be happy to look back on that, and whether it has developed or changed, celebrate my 19 year old philosophy.
Since then, naturally, I have not felt anything quite compare to that standard.
But I still have this desire to mark my skin.
I used to believe that anything less than a definitive, exhaustive, usurping life philosophy (i really cant explain how important my first tattoo is to me, how much the joy of it, the passion and desire of it completely fills and usurps me) ... that anything less than that was not worthy of branding my skin.
I also resist this process of first deciding that I want a tattoo, and then searching for something to get to satiate that want. rather than a tattoo satiating the want to mark a concept. I think for me that is not the right order. Or else I will end up picking something less than the standard I seek just because its the nearest thing. I want something to develop in my mind, or even just present itself to me (like the tattoo idea that I want right now) which I know with certainty, that it is worthy of tattooing on myself.
This is something that really intrigues me... people's thought process on this issue. what inspires them to get marked on their skin. what is 'worthy' of permanence.
I think recently I am changing my perception on this. like my wall.... I dont want tattoos to be so... rigid, so strict. of course its important to be certain. But I think I need to evolve this idea of 'certainty'. I think I can be certain about something that is less than a life philosophy.
Something I am entertaining getting is a series of beautiful quirky things - just like my wall. Maybe scattered around my body - a treasure hunt, or a little cluster in one place- a huddle, a collection of beautiful things. They dont have to be enormously meaningful. I think the fact that I find them beautiful and unique is reason enough, special significance enough. I want a bear, because bears are warm and protective, but also just because i like them! I want a fox, because they are furtive, and dandy. I want a grammar phone, and a type writer, and a tent. I want an eggplant. or a sweet potato. I have an unspoken list of my favourite things, warm, rich, deep, unique. that enchant and invoke warm feelings in me. how is that not a worthy reason?
I just want beautiful things on my skin.
I have another idea for the next tattoo that I want, and that IS a life defining concept. which I am so thrilled and certain about. But I will talk about that in another post.
I think the reason I want tattoos is to make manifest of a usurping feeling. and i think those feelings can be fleeting. and maybe fickle. or less than an all encompassing philosophy. but still be legitimate.
if of a moment they fill me.
I celebrate that. I want to mark that.
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